The Cats’ Secret 3 A.M. Group Chat

Group description: They feed us. This does not make them management.

3:02 a.m. — Kosmos: Roll call. Everyone present?

Mía: Watching the hallway.

Kruguer: Investigating the red dot.

Wallies: We have a serious problem. The human closed the bathroom door today.

Kosmos: Were you trapped inside?

Wallies: Worse. I was outside.

Mía: What did you do?

Wallies: I screamed until they opened it.

Mía: Did you go inside?

Wallies: No. It was about the principle.

3:09 a.m. — Melón: URGENT. I can see the bottom of my food bowl.

Kosmos: How much of it?

Melón: Almost one centimetre.

Mía: Sending thoughts and prayers.

Melón: Send tuna.

Kosmos: Emergency feeding approved. Wake the human at 4:12.

Wallies: Walk across the stomach?

Melón: The bladder. Faster results.

3:18 a.m. — Kruguer: Red-dot investigation update: it disappeared again when the human put the small device in their pocket.

Mía: An inside job.

Kosmos: Do not confront the human until after breakfast.

3:27 a.m. — Mía: Staff evaluation: breakfast was seven minutes late, and someone tried to move Melón away from the keyboard.

Melón: My keyboard.

Mía: They said they needed it for “work”.

Kosmos: Anything else?

Mía: They still call themselves our owners.

Kosmos:

Wallies:

Kruguer:

Melón: Poor things.

3:36 a.m. — Mía: Who knocked the cup off the table?

Melón: Why are we assigning blame when we should be looking for solutions?

Kruguer: It was you.

Melón: This workplace has become toxic.

Melón left the group.

Kosmos added Melón back to the group.

Kosmos: You are the Director of Domestic Chaos. You cannot resign during the chaos.

Melón: Fine.

3:47 a.m. — Mía: HUMAN APPROACHING!

Kosmos: Delete everything and look adorable.

The following morning, the humans found an overturned cup, food across the floor and five cats sleeping like angels.

No official statement was released.

Does your cat belong on the Feline Council? Leave their name and official position in the comments. The funniest recruits may appear in the next leaked chat.

Subscribe so you don’t miss the next meeting—before Mía changes the Wi-Fi password.